Bullsh*t!!!

Last week a number of ladies at my gym took part in a little detox, where we all gave up one vice for a week. It was a near 50/50 split between alcohol and coffee, with a few anomalies thrown in. Mine was chocolate; I don’t eat it often but when I do, I’m a champion chocolate consumer. I chose chocolate because I’d just had a week of feeling super crappy, compounded by my cravings for all things rich and sweet – and edible, of course.
This detox was planned before I even walked in to the gym last Monday, but putting my name and chosen vice on the whiteboard with the other ladies gave me a little extra accountability.

A week on, I asked my coach how she did with the detox and she told me her story – a positive one for the most part but our conversation focused on one evening, one trigger, one moment where she ‘caved’. And she told me how interesting it was to hear the stories about other women, about how they depended on their vices more than they realised, when they struggled and when they had their vices without even realising.
It was during this conversation, and the conversation about how my coach succumbed to peer pressure, that I called ‘bullshit!’, quite literally, and discovered a hidden belief of mine that I realise I am quite passionate about.

The weight loss endeavour is surrounded with bullshit.

Weight loss and healthier living is quite simple in itself – eat wisely and move your body. But the reality is that anyone embarking on a weight loss journey quickly comes to realise that they spend the entire time dodging the bullshit that is flung at them from rabid life-monkeys and their success depends on how many times the bullshit hits the target.

I’d know, believe me. I’ve been dodging bullshit – or creating my own – my entire life. My journey started, I think, when I heard my first piece of memorable bullshit. A boy in my class told me, when I was eight, that I was so big I’d sink a boat. That was 20 years ago, and it still makes my heart sink even now (no pun intended). But it’s bullshit. It’s bullshit that he said it, it’s bullshit that I still let it affect me, and the statement is bullshit in its own right.

So some bullshit that arose out of the detox were habitual things like automatically eating a biscuit with a cup of tea. Bullshit. There was emotional things, like mine – I feel crappy and chocolate will make me feel better. Bullshit. And there were societal things, like being made to feel like crap because you weren’t having a drink with friends so choosing to forgo your detox goal just to shut them up. Mega bullshit.

The more I chatted with my coach, the more we realised it was all just bullshit. Bullshit I tells you! Habits and beliefs about how food makes us feel and triggers that we face, it’s all just made up bullshit we’ve been told to believe or created ourselves.

Well now, I’m calling bullshit. And I encourage you to do the same. There is nothing – NOTHING – stopping you from questioning the norm and doing the opposite if it’s better for you and doesn’t hurt anyone else. It may make people feel uncomfortable where society is concerned, but that’s their bullshit, not yours.
I’m going to make it my mission in life to recognise the bullshit that is harming The Plan and call bullshit – out loud if I have to. I’m going to talk to myself out loud, too; “This is bullshit, Tiffany. You want to lose another kilo more than you want to eat that.” Maybe I’ll say, “God, that picture is bullshit. Tiffany, why are you comparing your body to hers when you don’t have her budget, her lifestyle, or her Photoshop technician?” Mind games, for me anyway, are my way of dodging those bullshit missiles of life.

But don’t get me wrong, some bullshit can be helpful. Having trouble with portion control? Use a smaller dish and bullshit your brain in to thinking you’ve got a plateful of food. Harness your own ability to play mind games with yourself and adopt the mantra, more. Ten more squats. 100 more steps. One more glass of water. And screw it, one more bacon rasher, that shit’s delicious. I reckon, once you’ve opened your eyes to the bullshit that surrounds whatever it is you’re focusing on, you can harness the power of bullshit and use it as biofuel. That’ll piss those rabid, bullshit-flinging life-monkeys right off.

So to conclude, I thought I might make a list of common bullshit scenarios, and I invite you to add to it!

·         It is bullshit if, knowing you are trying to eat healthier, someone gives you cake/cookies/wine/illicit drugs to consume because they’d have it themselves if it’s in their house. Do what they should’ve done and give it to the chickens, find a family in need, or chuck it. It’s a trigger, and it’s bullshit.

·         It is bullshit for anyone to tell you that what they want you to do is more important than a goal, or that you can relax your goal ‘just this once’. Call BULLSHIT right in their well-meaning face and explain your situation.

·         It is bullshit to make food responsible for your emotions. Poor sugar didn’t do anything wrong other than exist, it doesn’t know what’d going on.

·         It is bullshit to beat yourself up when you stumble but not pamper yourself when you succeed. Feed the wolf you want to win, babes; honour your successes and success will honour you.

·         It is bullshit to make coffee dates but not ice cream dates. Or strawberry picking dates. Or dates where you try on hundreds of shoes and not buy a single pair. Dates are for spending time together, not highlighting life’s limitations, however small or temporary.

·         It is bullshit that people are watching you. Don’t feel self-conscious, they are too caught up with their own bullshit to notice.

Anything to add?