June Review: Half Way!

Planted: nothing, too cold and running out of room!

Wrote: learning stories, two portfolio reflections, chapters for the book, a blog entry

Discovered/ learnt/ wondered: passive sentence structures; i tuhia e Tiffany… and memorised the ara reo Māori karakia

Successes: cracked 10 kilos lost this year, total of over 27 kilos in two years

Struggled with: not reaching goal weight by the six month mark. SO close! Serious seasonal fitness plateau.

Highlight: Paul’s birthday

Six months down, six months to go! So far, all in all, I’ve achieved everything I’ve set out to do. The only thing that hasn’t happened are the rewards I put down in the plan, but they were the only things that had conditions attached, anyway. I’ve read books and written prolifically and done a bunch of physical challenges. I can count on one hand the number of weeks I didn’t reach my stepping goals, but since I exceed step goals most days it all balances out in the end!

This month’s goal was walking up St. John’s Hill and down again. I made this goal because June is (usually) when the cold weather really starts to kick in, and it’s also when I start getting busy with work for next wedding season. I needed an activity that was manageable with dodgy weather and didn’t take up much time, but was still a good challenge.
Well, I managed to fit these trips up the hill three times a week in to a busy schedule in between rain showers, but I did fail with one aspect. It wasn’t the challenge I was expecting it to be! It was a pleasure to find out that I might be physically fitter than I think I am. So what was meant to be a twenty minute cardio burst of exercise a few times a week after a gym session, came to be a leisurely fifteen minute stroll which I used to admire the way the trees were changing and the unique view of my town. Different but equally important rewards. If nothing else, it proved to me that the past six months, at least, has been good for me.

So I stand by what I wrote in my last blog, I’m finding winter really hard. It seems to be affecting everything, from how much I exercise to what I eat to how I want to interact with the world. But I’m half way and have achieved pretty much every goal. July brings me a squat challenge that I’ve done before and know I can achieve. August brings me a book. How hard can the rest of the year be? The weather will start to get warmer soon, and I will keep reminding myself that the way I feel right now is as much environmental as it is emotional and physical. This is the beginning of the downward slope, leading me right to the finish line!

May Review: Old, Cold habits.

Planted: kale, salad mix, cauli and cabbage (again!) Kohlrabi(?!?), and harvested the beetroot! Ermergerhd delicious!

Wrote: lots of learning stories, portfolio reflections, two book chapters, A picture book in Te Reo Māori.

Discovered/ learnt/ wondered: learnt how to play poker using only te reo Māori – “kei hia ngā kāri māu?” (how many cards do you want?) And “kei a Vinnie te ringa toa! Ka mau te wehi!” (Vinnie has the winning hand! Awesome!), how to play many of the songs I’ve learnt from course as well as “This Ukulele” on the uke.

Read: some love letters written to and from people at war, mainly in France, Turkey, and Russia in WWI and II.

Successes: hmmm. Can’t think of anything super spectacular right now.

Struggled with: can I say everything? Reaching step goals, sticking to a food plan, getting in enough exercise, sleep, achieving work commitments, drinking enough water… the list feels endless!

Highlight: my friend’s exhibition at another friend’s gallery, drinking wine for the first time in more than three years, and dinner with loved ones afterwards – all in one night!; Alice starting day care and climbing a tree; one of chicken’s laying eggs again.

Woe betide me! May got harder and harder as the days passed. It was literally the hard slog of the last steps up the steepest part of the hill to get to the top, the halfway point of the journey, before the equal distance back down. That’s right, we are half way through the year, I’m half way through my plan, and May has been Hump Month. May was the Wednesday of my year. And May was the shittiest time in this plan so far.

I don’t even know why this is, not on the face of it. Nothing has really changed in my world, and even May’s goals weren’t that taxing. It was just really, stupidly hard. I feel like I’ve just lost the drive, the motivation to keep on task and keep pushing, the will to make myself and my world brighter. It would just be easier to curl up with a bag of chips, call in sick, and watch TV.

And then I need to remember that, as experience had taught me, I get seasonal depression. I’m not even kidding. Every winter I get lethargic, moody, the food I crave changes to salty or sweet comfort food, and the melancholy I can feel sometimes is overwhelming. I usually get to October when I really start to think, ‘what is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy?’ But then the weather warms and the sun comes out and my personality opens up again like a spring flower.

How things are different this year, though, is that I’ve not known pressure like this before. Work and study and side-jobs and serious sleep issues and PARENTING means I spend the majority of my time in some degree of exhaustion, and the only comfort is knowing that pretty much every other parents out there is dealing with their own degree of exhaustion and can totally relate.
But do you know what this pressure and exhaustion do to me? Lethargy. Moodiness. Cravings.

I have seasonal depression before winter has even begun.
As May got colder my urge to hibernate has grown in kind. And I have three months of this ahead of me. This is why May got harder and harder, day by day. Because the change in temperature was so drastic and my relatively fragile sense of self and health has responded accordingly. This is all dawning on me as I write this, as I sit on the couch under our fluffiest blanket, tea nearby, the grey, damp sky playing vista through my window. Mocking me.

I’m scared, for the first time, I’m going to give up. Not fail in my efforts, but that I’m not even going to try. I’m scared I’m going to decide that it takes so much effort and time and energy to do it, so why bother?

I can’t though. I can’t let myself. The good thing about seasonal depression is that there is an end in sight. And what then? When I feel more like myself, how can I look back at my past actions and feel okay about choosing not to do something that is so important to me, simply because I couldn’t be bothered?

Unacceptable.

So. My action plan will be:
Vitamin D suppliments, see if that helps.
Get outside on sunny days and remember that, while this seasonal slump is caused by a hormonal reaction to the environment, I can create other hormonal reactions myself. Bring on the endorphins!
Talk. Talk to someone or to the page. Because seasonal depression is real, Wikipedia said so, and even if it’s not what I feel is real and that’s enough.

June brings me a trip up a fairly decent hill in my town twice a week and, towards the end, a half-way point evaluation. I’m one kilo off my initial goal weight, so I’m planning on making it a good one.

Please let it be a good one!

Reward Time! The Gorge Walk

On Monday April 25, I kind of fulfilled the reward for completing the Durie Hill step challenge; the ten kilometre walk by the Manawatu Gorge. It was amazing and hard and totally something I can’t wait to do again! I say ‘kind of fufilled’ because we didn’t actually walk the entire track from one end to the other; the weather turned the higher we got so, instead of walking through the more exposed end, we walked to the half way point and made our way back through the well-covered track. Next time, we’ll start at the other end and go the whole way!

What made this day even more awesome was, when we met Alice and Paul’s parents at the Herb Farm for lunch, Alice took us through their little piece of paradise and delighted in the trees herself, along with all their hidden magic. How wonderful for me to see the things I hold dear blossoming in her.

Anywho, its part of the plan to write about what I heard during that walk. It’s been over a year since I wrote a poem (gone are the days when I’d write one a day!), so I’ve given it a go!

The Sound of the Gorge

Our walk began right by the highway,
With the drop of the gorge to the left.
I couldn’t hear much to begin with because
The noise of the road made me deaf!

But soon we were surrounded by greenery,
And the peace settled in like a cloud.
As we walked, the noise of the road died away
And the noise of the forest grew loud.

The first steps were magic and mystical,
As if fairies lived up in the trees.
I heard water running from the side of the hill
And dance over the rocks of a stream.

Overhead was a rooftop of branches,
holding homes of the birds we could hear.
At first I could take all this sweet beauty in
But soon, I was faced with my fear.

The first part of our walk was entirely uphill
Which we walked without one little break.
These hills and steps made my throat catch my breath,
And my legs had started to ache.

Will I make it?

The loudest thing I heard that morning
After an hour or so on the track
Was the voice in my head that was egging me on;
‘Keep going, you must not turn back.’

We trudged through the trees on the trail
To the beat of the softly-sung bird.
But when we’d climbed to the top above tree and cloud
My breathless ‘Oh, wow,’ could be heard.

The noise died away to a whisper,
The birdsong became but a dream.
My mind’s voice went quiet and my legs stopped their screech;
I stopped listening and started to see.

There were hills stretching to the horizon,
with a blanket of soft, chilly mist.
I took it all in and then turned, with a grin,
To Paul, who gave me a kiss.
It was bliss.
Aww.

After five khs we skipped down the trail,
Enjoying the delightful down-slope.
I heard Paul’s plans for the landscape at home,
and my legs telling me that they’ll cope.

In three hours we hit the wall of noise;
The car engines cutting through trees.
I heard trees in the wind and a train and my breath,
I listened to birds, to Paul, and to me.

I'm having an affair.

I’m having a love affair. I’ve tried to deny it, to hide it, to pretend that it’s not becoming an obsession and that I could stop, if I wanted to, but it’s time to get real.

I’m having a love affair. With Walking. I’m cheating on writing and on lunch breaks and even on my beloved gym, just so I can spend time with Walking. I’m finding time to sneak away with Walking, time where I thought there was none before. One of my trysts with Walking nearly even made me late for work, and I don’t think Walking is a good enough excuse for tardiness. Worse still, I’m not even sorry that Walking is beginning to take over the small corners of my life.

Okay, I’m being ridiculous. Or am I? For those who have had the pleasure (and sheer terror) of a love affair, or the head-over-heels love-at-first-sight relationship like I found with Paul, you know that when that person comes in to your life, you not only find time to see them, you MAKE time. Things get pushed to the side or sacrificed or dropped all together. There may be late nights or feverish lunch breaks where you race against time. You make excuses. I’m doing this with walking, and it feels glorious!

The idea of having a love affair with something, not someone, isn’t new, and I’m not talking about an addiction here. I read about it in Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. She urges her readers to have love affairs with their art, their passions, or their creative outlets. I’m paraphrasing here, but I’m pretty sure she told me, through her book, to hide in an alleyway and write as much as I could before someone caught me. There is excitement there, and pure, (un)adulterated joy. And maybe even a sense of release in spite of it all. Because this is what creating and expression and passion is all about, isn’t it?

So of course, Writing is my passion. Except she is a very high maintenance lover. She’s so fickle and temperamental; much like me really, ha ha! And so I book time for Writing. I invite inspiration in to get Writing in the mood, and we always have a lovely time together.

Walking, though, Walking is a keen bean and on speed dial! Walking whispers in my ear, ‘You’ve got ten minutes until your next meeting, let’s get busy and wander around the block.’ Walking quotes The Beatles lyrics to me, things like ‘Why don’t we do it in the road?’ and ‘Won’t you come out to play?’ Walking doesn’t care how much time we spend together or how much attention I pay to it, Walking just wants to get a fix. AND! Where Writing is a pure monogamist, Walking is up for a threesome! Luckily Paul’s into that, too, so I get to share this love affair with my real life one true love!

Are you having a love affair with a thing? With running or painting or scrapbooking or singing or something as equally awesome? Do it! It’s hilarious as well as an awesome motivation. Tell people you’re busy, you’re meeting your lover. And then enjoy every minute of you precious time together.

Graduation: Hui Whakapumau

It was part of The Plan to acknowledge my graduation for the reo Māori course with a piece of writing about the day. It’s been nearly a week and I’ve been putting it off; it’s been a real struggle to think how to write about this special occasion. Do I make it like a diary entry, or in the third person, like a narrative? I thought about focusing on how I felt and spinning the day in to a poem, laced together with thin threads of whimsy and rhyme. But none of it felt right. I want everything in the plan to be purposeful and packed with meaning, and this piece of writing is no exception. I just didn’t know how to go about it.

And then I realised. It’s hard to do not because of how I write, but how I speak. How am I meant to share my experiences in English about something that is fundamentally rooted in reo Māori? Deciding to write about graduation in reo Māori gave this piece of writing purpose. What I want to say wasn’t going to change but all of a sudden, this potential piece of writing had become one of the most meaningful things I’d ever put together.

Please, you fluent speakers of reo, bear in mind that the following collection of sentences haven’t been checked by someone more knowledgeable than me; a novice, a beginner, very much still a student – quite literally. However inaccurate this is, the mistakes and intentions and effort behind these kupu are a testament to the course and what I’ve been taught, as well as a window to what I want to achieve.

Ko Ruapehu tōku maunga,
ko Whanganui tōku awa,
ko Berwick Castle tōku waka,
Ko Wagastaf tōku hapū,
No Turakina ahau.

Whakamutunga tau, ko I te ākonga o te Ara Reo Māori taumata e rua.

Last year, I was a student of te Ara Reo Māori level two.

I ako ahau ki te reo māori, kātahi i mahi ahau ki ngā kupu hou, ā muri i tērā, i ako etahi atu ahau.

I learnt te reo Māori, and then I studied the new words, and after that, I learned some more.

I tākaro ahau i ngā kēmu, i waiata ahau ki ngā waiata, me i tuhituhi ahau i ngā kōrero me ngā kupu hou.

I played games, I sang songs, and I wrote the language and new words.

I inoi ahau.

I prayed.

I tēnei ra, i paetahi ahau! Ko ataahua te hui whakapūmau. I tino hiamo ngā tauira rāua ngā kaiako tātou.

Today, I graduated! The graduation ceremony was beautiful. All the students and teachers were very excited.

Engari, i te āwangawanga ahau ki ngā hu haunene I runga I te atamira!

But I was worried about my noisy shoes on the stage!

I haere ahau I runga I te atamira me i whakakikini ahau ki a Paul. I whakarongo ahau i te waiata o Alice.

I walked on the stage and winked at Paul. I heard Alice singing.

I angitu ahau, i whakahīhī ahau, i harikoa ahau.

I felt successful, I felt proud, I felt happy.

Engari, kua mutu taku kōrero mō tēnei wā, nō reira, tēnā koutou, tēnā koutou, tēnā koutou katoa.

However, this is the end of my talk for now, therefore, greetings, greetings, greetings to you all.

March Review - Winning!

Planted: stevia, kale, rhubarb

Wrote:two weddings, book chapters

Discovered/ learnt/ wondered: learnt about Patupaiarehe and how to say things like ‘I’m not reading the newspaper’ in Te Reo; Kāore pānui ahau I te niupepa!

Read: ‘Te Ao Māori’ by Rāpata Wiri; ‘Seeker’ by Arwen Elys Dayton

Successes: I pretty much rocked at life this month.

Struggled with: Animals eating/digging/ playing in the garden. Bye-bye cauli, kale and carrots! And those poor tomatoes, doomed from the start.

Highlight: starting Te Ara Reo Māori 4, winning a fitbit and a stack of books and a raffle filled with goodies I’d never buy for myself, family reunion

I don’t know if you believe in good vibrations in the universe or positive energy or visualisation or karma or luck, but all the wins were mine this month. I was a walking success machine. Boom! Hahaha!

Probably the coolest thing to have happened is that I kicked ass on those Durie Hill steps. Well, in my mind I did, when comparing myself now to myself four weeks ago. Do NOT compare myself to those powerhouses that run up and down those steps over and over again! I can go up without stopping in under six minutes. AND! I can go down without stopping under seven! This is HUGE! It’s a small victory against the foe that is my lifelong fear of heights and falling.

I won a whole heap of cool stuff this month, too! A fitbit (which is awesome for your health), cereal (which is terrible for your health), ten wicked good new books, and the Easter raffle from my hair salon filled with goodies.
And then I won stuff that I actually had to work for; stepping challenges, Te Reo vocab tests, and a variety of other small but joyous moments that I worked hard for.

I don’t know about you, but I feel this month has shown me that success attracts success. I don’t know if it’s just that you’re open to opportunity or if you’re inclined to focus on ‘winning’ more because it’s at the forefront of your thinking. Maybe it truly is a cosmic, octrune-coloured force that magnetises good vibes and happy people to you, globbing the awesome together in beautiful, ever-growing puddles of positivity. Whatever it is, I’m digging it.

I mastered hoola-hooping. I walked longer, more complicated distances. I figured out that coffee was keeping me awake and have increased my average sleep per night from three to five hours. I briefly hit my goal weight before a magical, guilt-free Easter. All in all, it’s been a freakin’ sweet month.

Next month, I’m taking it fairly easy on myself, with committing to the bridge loop twice a week and doing a teaching portfolio update. The challenge will be finding the time and not letting the commitments overwhelm me. I pick up another day at work which will force me to practice time-management; something I’ve never been overly fantastic at. Regardless, I’m looking forward to what April brings me; there’s graduation, birthdays, less financial stress and the Manawatu gorge loop walk. And if this month’s successes are anything to go by, April is going to be a goodun!

February Review: Balance

Planted: capsicum seedlings (from a capsicum!), cauli, onion, beetroot

Wrote: a wedding, a chapter for the book, two blogs, notes for te ara reo

Discovered/ learnt/ wondered: Alice is OLD now, the stairs aren’t that scary, how Audrey keeps getting out of the pen and into the garden without us knowing! Houdini goat!

Made: Tomato relish, nomnomnom

Successes: half an hour planking, 8 minutes of that in one day. Three more kilos gone for good.

Struggled with: exhaustion, illness

Highlight: beach trip on Valentines day and six hours sleep a night, three nights in a row! Bless you, Sleep Drops!

Well it took until February for my year to really get kicking – January afforded me a slow, leisurely ease-in to 2016. But now we’re in to the swing of things! This month has definitely been all about balance.

First off, planking. Balancing on my toes and elbows for longer and longer periods of time. No big deal, right? Holy heck in a tea-cup, that shit’s hard work! I’ve balanced ten centimetres above the ground for a combined total of half an hour this month, and boy I can feel it!
The planking helped me practice balance in another way, too. Paul and I were going to do the planking challenge, which would have had us do two minute planks by the end of week one and more than five minutes at the end of the month. The other kind of balance this challenge taught me was this; it really is okay to say 'no' to a dare. It’s good to realise that a little of something is great, but a lot can be damaging. It’s good to realise that the fad fitness regimes are not for everyone. And it’s good to realise that too much planking with an unprepared body will mess you up, son!

I also had to try hard to balance commitments. This isn’t new, by any means, and it’s not a struggle that only I’ve got. We all know the feeling of being pulled between our commitment to our families, our work, and our endeavour to retain some sense of personal stability. I feel like I’ve usually been pretty good at this – the problem is I’ve had to say no. A lot. Often to things I’d really like to do, too.
As February got busier, giving me a taste of the year to come, I’m reminded how important this is to me and that I mustn’t get caught up on the world’s demand on me to be fully, hopelessly, dangerously engaged. Priorities, I think this is called, and my top priority is a settled life for Alice. Not the plan, not the gym, not my renewed passion for work, but Alice.

I was also forced to take a really good look at the plan and remind myself that what I’m doing isn’t a diet – of food and weight loss and life in general – because a diet is temporary. This is fo’ life, yo! And if it’s for life, it’s going to have to take a back seat sometimes. I got sick this month and man alive I’ve been tired. Steps took a direct hit. But I had to tell myself this is okay – can you imagine how much it’d suck for everyone else if I was on my A-game all the time, blinding the world with my awesome? Lulls in life is for the greater good! Feeling sucky is all part of it, but if the plan is solid, if I’m solid in my intentions, I’ll pick it up where I left of;

So! Physical balance, personal balance, and balance in perspective! What a month!

March brings me the Durie hill steps, and the start of Te Ara Reo Maori level 4. A pessimistic version of myself may predict that the summary of next month will be ‘fear’. Oh dear! Watch this space…